In an unusual twist of events, fueling doubts of legality and rumored to have lobbied the President heavily, Judge Laurence Silverman, already on the committee investigating intelligence failures, was appointed commissioner on the Breast Commission. He came under immediate attack by Democrats who accused him of being a leg man.

“Nonsense,” said Judge Silverman, “ask my wife, I’ve been a breast man all my life. I love breasts. I’m a breast aficionado.”

Already Judge Silverman was calling on the help and expertise of high profile figures with long experience in sex scandals, amongst them Ken Starr, Bob Barr, Tom DeLay, and countless others.

Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow, upon hearing Silverman’s mention of Starr, shot back: “Starr may know a lot about oral sex, but when it comes to breasts, the man is an amateur.”

Undaunted, Judge Silverman laid bare the work ahead. “The first thing we must
do is to ascertain what a breast is, “he said. “As such, we have already
called up several women in the entertainment industry, who are scheduled to
make an appearance.” When prodded, the Judge said Pamela Anderson was number
one on the list, followed by Salma Hayek, Monica Bellucci, Demi Moore,
Penelope Cruise, the model Eva Herzigova and Anna Nicole Smith. “There will
be others. I want the public to realize this investigation may go on for
months, maybe years. It will be difficult and tiring work. There will be
hundreds if not thousands of witnesses, many to be re-called several times.”
Asked if implants made any difference, the Judge replied: “It’s too early to
tell. At this point it’s all hearsay and speculation.”

Senator Paul Sarbanes told TheShortStraw: “This story stinks to high heaven. I wouldn’t be surprised if the President were involved, deflecting attention off his lousy agenda. And mark my words, if he was, there’ll be hell to pay.” Asked if he meant impeachment, he replied, “You can bet your wife’s Wonderbra on it.”