CLEVELAND MAN CAUGHT SMUGGLING BABY RHINO
"I've smuggled bigger items," man boasts

CLEVELAND, OH (TheShortStraw.com)-Frederick Widebotham was yet again arrested for smuggling--this time a live baby rhino--by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, after arriving on an Air France flight from Paris.

Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, hailed the arrest as a breakthrough in law enforcement.

"The American people can sleep well tonight knowing that we're doing our jobs," a beaming Ridge announced.

According to Widebotham, this wasn't his first taunting of authorities. In 2002, he says he smuggled a piano through JFK airport; four months later a pick-up truck.

Asked where he hides the items, Widebotham replied: "In a warm, dark place."

This time though, Widebotham wasn't as lucky; Mother Nature gave him away.

He explained: "They wouldn't have caught me, but they saw a tail rise from my pants and a massive rhino dung drop to the ground. That's what gave me away. Had it not been for that, I'd have made it."

At the time of the previous smugglings, the customs officials hadn't noticed anything unusual, although later, one official, not wishing to be identified, said he thought he spotted a tire protruding from Widebotham's pants, though he couldn't be certain.

"I thought I saw skid marks, but wasn't sure," the official said.

Widebotham insists he's done nothing wrong. "I don't smuggle arms or drugs," he said. "Although dealers have approached me-once to smuggle 80 kilos of heroin, another time to smuggle a tank, both feats within my capacity--I refused. Smuggling is to me what yoga is to other people--a healthy pastime that makes me relax. Whereas some people play a musical instrument or watch TV-well, I smuggle large items up my…on my body. I see nothing wrong with that."

Janet Friedman, who sat next to Widebotham during his pick-up truck smuggling trip, disagrees.

"That guy took up twenty-six seats on the plane, including mine," Friedman complained. "I couldn't sleep a wink. Oh sure, I've seen a few larger people taking up two seats in the past, but this was ridiculous. Plus, there were strange noises coming outta his pants--an engine revving, screeching tires, honking, that sort of thing. At the time we were all wondering what the heck was going on. Well…now we know."

Nuisance aside, Tom Rubinek of Akron, Ohio, said the arrest and Ridge's announcement did make him feel safer.

"If they can catch him, they can catch anyone," Rubinek said. "It's probably not easy catching a guy smuggling a piano--let alone a rhino. You just don't expect that sort of thing, do you? So, I think the Department of Homeland Security is doing a fantastic job."

Explaining Widebotham's breach of security on the other side of the Atlantic, French customs officials admitted neglecting duties and watching the France-Croatia Euro 2004 game instead.

"In Paris, I just walked right through," conceded Widebotham. "In fact, I couldn't find anyone at the airport at all. It was kind of eerie. I had to ticket myself in, drive my own luggage to the plane. Lucky the pilot was a rugby fan, so we had somebody to fly the plane."

A rough looking customs officer in Paris was unapologetic. "Some things-such as sex, food, philosophy, art, knitting, watching romantic sunsets, baking a cake for your grandmother on her birthday, or, in this case, football-are simply more important than work. It's something Americans will never understand."

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